I recently heard Dr. Lisa Damour (author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers) on Adam Grant’s podcast ReThinking and found a few occasions to share a clip of the episode with students as we’ve tried to navigate some tricky situations. 

 “I will just go ahead and say I'm not a huge fan of friendship groups. Um, they don't work very well and I don't think this is 'cause kids are somehow different or, um, bad. I think it's because you cannot get a collection of people together who like one another equally once you're hitting more than two or three people, right? You can't do this at any age and you sure as heck can't do it in the seventh grade. We have a pretty solid evidence base that the least stressed and thus happiest kids have one or two good friends. And so the job for adults is, if that's your kid, let 'em know.”

I like how she describes some of the complications of friendships in middle school but her message stops short of the reason why our kids like to group up in this way. Navigating friendship changes in early adolescence can seem overwhelming to our boys and often they are not sure who those one or two good friends should even be. As their sphere of influence grows and their interests shift, leaving behind old friendships and trying to work through new ones is often fraught with social and personal challenges. Sometimes the easiest and safest way to belong is to clump together. Understanding how we got here and how to help is crucial in supporting our boys through their friendship woes.

During their middle school years, boys will start to interrogate their understanding of self in more complex ways. This time for self-discovery leads to new interests, new ways of interacting, and may create greater self-doubt. Often their concept of self is measured against their understanding of others and how they relate to the world. As they work on identifying themselves within different social situations, they use others around them as benchmarks to understand how effectively they are trying on their new identities. They will try on “false” identities to see how they feel about them, and they may struggle with the discrepancy between how they act with their friends and who they believe their “real” identity is. These changes in identity can impact how they view others and the kinds of friendships they will have. 

In our sixth grade philosophy seminar, we take on the challenge of defining friendship head-on. Using Aristotle’s definition of the three types of friendship, the kids learn from their guiding text that Aristotle describes three types of friendship: usefulness, pleasure, and moral goodness. This is pretty closely aligned with how I try to help families and students understand the shifts in their relationships during these middle school years. You’ve probably seen your child progress through these different types of friendships, usually moving from one to the other as they grow and learn to understand themselves better.

Proximity and Utility: Friendships of convenience

Think back to the first friendships your son formed. More than likely, these were based on proximity–kids who lived nearby, classmates he saw every day, or children of your own friends. These early friendships are based on convenience and utility–as long as the children were friendly to each other, the friendship served its purpose. 

At this stage, the definition of friendship is simple: someone to play with. Friendships form because kids spend time together, whether it’s at break, on a soccer team, or because they like the same playground game. 

As middle school begins, these relationships start to shift. You may even see this shift from Bridge, where the boys often form these kinds of friendships, to sixth grade, when greater independence and exposure to more peers allows boys to seek friendships beyond proximity. This is when the next stage of friendship development begins. 

Affinity and Activity: The Friendships of Shared Interests

As boys grow, they develop stronger preferences for activities, hobbies, and even social dynamics. Even if these preferences don’t last and aren't fully integrated into their sense of self, early adolescence is the time when friendships start to evolve around favorite sport teams, video game passions, specific book series, or other shared interests.

This is the stage where friend groups become more defined. Rather than playing with whomever is around, boys begin to actively seek out friends who enjoy the same things. Sports teams, clubs, music taste, type of humor, and even risk tolerance become factors in who they choose to spend time with and who they’d like attention from. 

For some boys, this may mean they’ll gravitate toward friends who share their competitive drive in sports. For others, it could mean bonding over inside jokes and pranks. This is an important step in the boys’ identity development and it can lead to lasting friendships. It can also be a period of exclusion and shifting alliances, which can feel painful if your son suddenly feels like his friends have changed or he imagines he is in an out-group. 

Longevity: Friendships That Last

As boys continue to develop, their friendships shift again–this time toward relationships based on shared values and character. Convenience and shared interests are important and often necessary features of this kind of friendship, but the boys’ understanding of themselves and others helps build relationships that have the potential to last through high school and beyond. 

These friendships require an ability to recognize the character or values in others and the ability to recognize one’s self. A boy who values kindness and loyalty will naturally gravitate toward friends who exhibit those qualities. A student who prioritizes ambition and competitiveness may connect more deeply with others who share that drive. 

These relationships tend to last longer because they are based on values that typically do not change, or at least not drastically. As circumstances and shared interests change, a friendship that was made through shared values can often survive those shifts. 

These changes can be sticky and may not feel great at the time, but each type of friendship is important for your son’s social and emotional development. By supporting the boys with empathy and encouragement, we can help them as they navigate these new social spaces and continue to grow.