It is inevitable that at school comparisons between students will occur. Whether it's selecting members for the basketball or soccer team, determining winners at the science fair, or deciding who presents in a group project, comparisons are an often accidental and all too common experience for our boys. However, these comparisons can significantly interfere with each student's learning and experiences. To foster a positive learning environment, we must activate the unique strengths within each student and guide them toward their individual goals. Unfortunately, both at school and at home, children often feel pressured to compare themselves to the "ideal" student, and as parents, we may unintentionally contribute to this mentality.
Many parents aspire for their children to be ideal from the outset, overlooking their unique dimensions and qualities. I remember when my eldest was a baby, we kept checking back in our parenting books and counting the weeks to make sure she was hitting all of her developmental milestones on time. This tendency to focus on comparisons, especially as our kids grow, can overshadow an individual child's potential, as society often promotes the idea of averages. In his book, "The End of Average: How We Succeed in a World that Values Sameness," Todd Rose challenges the conventional perception of how we value the average. He argues that measuring ourselves by the expectations set by averages can be detrimental.
At Seven Hills, we focus on the individual’s development, understanding that each boy is singular. Instead of forcing our boys to “do school” by expecting them to move and think in lockstep, we try to create an environment that allows for boys to experience school in their own way. In his book, Rose describes what he called the jaggedness principle. Humans are multidimensional, so one-dimensional thinking is insufficient to measure them. “Jaggedness is not just about human size; almost every human characteristic that we care about—including talent, intelligence, character, creativity, and so on—is jagged.”1 Instead of expecting all students to perform in the same way, we recognize that characteristics, such as those described by Rose, are diverse and multifaceted. By creating a flexible learning environment focused on self-directedness, we encourage students to explore their strengths and interests, allowing them to thrive in ways that respect and reflect their individuality.
When we compare our children to their peers, we risk stripping away their identities and individualities. Every child possesses distinct talents, interests, and ways of learning. By focusing on comparisons, we may inadvertently diminish their self-worth and motivation. The notion of a national education system arose from the need to prepare workers for an industrial labor market. Rose explains that when the global economy transitioned to industrialization, compulsory education aimed to create a workforce that could perform tasks efficiently. This approach did not account for the creative and diverse potentials of students.
As the economy and labor market have evolved over the past few decades, our education system has struggled to keep pace. The pressure to conform to averages can generate significant stress in our children. It may lead to decreased self-esteem, a fear of taking risks, and hindered communication skills. Instead of fostering a growth mindset, comparisons can create an environment where children feel they must constantly measure up to a standard that may not reflect their true capabilities.
This week, your boys are going to receive their semester grades. While the grade represents a collection of snapshots of your son’s experiences in the classroom, we know that summarizing those experiences in one letter or number will not serve him. The narrative reports that accompany each grade are intended to give shape to the progress of each student and try to tell the story of the individual experience in the class. During Peak day, your boys will review their reports with their advisors, with specific attention given to the narratives, to look for patterns that may indicate where improvement can be and areas of growth noted by their teachers. Often our boys will first focus on the letter grade because of how their parents are going to respond, instead of focusing on the jaggedness of his experiences in that class. While we can guide those conversations during Peak day, the message resonates most deeply when the importance of the narrative is reinforced at home.
For our eighth graders, these next few weeks may be filled with stress and uncertainty as they start to receive their acceptances to high schools. In advisory and high school prep, we have worked hard to talk about the different priorities and profiles that might lead a boy to a specific high school. Each year, we ask the boys to be mindful about how they share the news of high school decisions with each other. Sometimes the decisions do not go the way your boy hopes or expects and that can be hard. What is important to remember and reiterate with our boys these next few weeks is that there is no “right” high school. Each of their options will provide great spaces for growth and learning opportunities.
As parents, it is important to recognize the dangers of comparison and to embrace our child’s progress and individuality. Encouraging him to pursue his interests and strengths can lead to greater confidence and fulfillment. Rather than fixating on what others are doing, we should celebrate each child’s unique journey and achievements and encourage our boys to do the same.
1 Rose, Todd. The End of Average: How We Succeed in a World That Values Sameness (p. 82). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.